about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
True college students do jello shots in the library
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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