btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Randomize
