I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
