you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
