I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
