I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
