I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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