Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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