I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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