I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
