1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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