My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
