Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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