this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
