Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
