i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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