Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
