look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
