mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
