So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
