haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
