I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
