I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
