Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
