Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
