I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
