It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
