Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
