I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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