Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
