After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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