she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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