ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
