Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
