The best revenge is premature balding
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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