Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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