I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
