Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
