Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
