he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
