his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
