you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
