your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
