this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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