I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
