i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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