I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
