I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
