What a fucking waste of an outfit
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
