i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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