i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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