Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
